Year Four

Today marks the fourth year since my mom's sudden death. I wrote about grief, loss, and all of my feelings.

I never know how I’m going to feel when September 18 rolls around. Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes, anticipation of the day can be far more destabilizing than the emotions of the day itself. Other times, feeling aided by time lapsed and that same anticipation, you think you’re prepared for the experience, only to feel your heart breaking all over again. Transported right back to the day that everything changed.

Since I never know how I’m going to feel, I decided to take a personal day today. Today, I feel numbed and in shock. Not only do I not want to work, but I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to read and I don’t want to think. I just want to be left alone to sift through my shocked state and numbed feelings.

It’s been four years since mom died. Hard to believe it’s been both that long and that short. My only real time stamp of her passing is that she died never having heard the word, “coronavirus.” She missed the absurdity and incredulity of the year 2020. And so on.

She also mis…